Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
