she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
