Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
