Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Randomize
