Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
