worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
