I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
