he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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