im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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