At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I smell like Dick and happiness
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