So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
