What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
