new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
