flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
