i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
