Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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