May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
