oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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