Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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