If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
