if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
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