I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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