Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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