Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
