I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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