I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
