If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Randomize
