my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
being pregnant is like rehab
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
This is classic penis vs brain.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
