You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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