: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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