Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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