why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
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