Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
