I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Randomize
