so explain again why im purple
no
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
