I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
