I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
