I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I yelled at your uterus for you.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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