I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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