I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
