Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
