i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
