last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
