you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
