I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
