I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Randomize
