Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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