im about as happy as oj after his trial
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
