I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
