Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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