found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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