Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
