My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
