i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
